Kim Davis and the Figgles

This past summer, the United States has survived the great ordeal of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, citing her religious convictions. Davis, in her heart of hearts, could not betray Jesus and the bible (written by Not Jesus), which does not allow for homosexuality. Her actions, now months later, resulted in new and improved marriage licenses in Kentucky, ones that no longer include the issuing clerk’s name. I found so many things wrong with that whole story, but that is a whole other discussion. What stood out the most to me is that Davis, so concerned with the biblical sanctity of marriage, has been divorced three times. Then she found Jesus, who must have been hiding somewhere this whole time, and he forgave her. As a result of his forgiveness, she finds it is her place in life to act in the name of god, yet as an elected government official, and determine who can and cannot get married. True, she quit issuing licenses to ALL couples before she went to jail, but that was specifically to stop the same-sex ones from getting married. She is basically saying that her own personal (and religious) mistakes no longer count per Jesus, so she can go ahead and point fingers at others, but it’s all for their own good, so they don’t end up in hell. What a bunch of hypocrisy.

But then I remembered that I am a hypocrite too. The other day in Patrol Headquarters, a lonely figgle turned up. It’s ok, I’ll explain. The correct term is snowblade, but they are really just an abomination. It is essentially a miniature ski, not much longer than your ski boots. The idea is that they are supposed to be super maneuverable, and light, and fun, but have zero stability at speed. Typically, you do not carry ski poles when you use them. Their bindings do not release, but that’s ok, there’s not really that much of an edge to catch and twist your leg around…or is there? So what makes them so bad? For one, I have never seen a good skier ski them in earnest, only in mockery. They have no function in 99% of ski conditions you might encounter. If you get even a little too much speed going (over 5mph), you will banana peel on your ass before you can even say “figgle”. Then there’s the real reason. There is no way you can rock figgles and not look like a complete dweeb. No one even says the word dweeb anymore, but that is exactly what you look like if you snow blade. You may as well bring out the fannypack and neon jacket to complement the jeans you’re skiing in.

So there was this one time in high school, before I ever even tried skiing that I remember watching a story on the evening news about snowblades. I think the story was about how snow-blading is a new trend and about how fun it is. “That’s cool,” I thought, “they’re cute, they’re like skis only much, much shorter! They’re mini-skis!” So flash forward a couple years later in college, a friend and I were going skiing for like the third or fourth time ever, and lo and behold, the rental shop had figgles! So we totally went for it, and I even think we liked it at the time. Perhaps not enough to ever do it again. This is also around the time when my ski wear included wool gloves, and track pants over sweat pants (for insulation). I had a hat, and no goggles. I felt goggles were pretentious. They were for real skiers, and wearing them would make me a poser. I didn’t wear sunglasses either. Eye protection was not a concern for me.

Flash forward a few more years later when I am living in Colorado with my boyfriend. I totally had that one syndrome where you’ve lived in a place for like two or three years, and you’re totally a local who knows everything. So by then I knew that figgles were stupid. And yet, not only did Boyfriend have one pair of figgles mounted with telemark bindings, but not even a year into the relationship, he decided I needed to have my own pair of figgles mounted with telemark bindings. He made me watch as he installed said bindings to a pair of stubby snowblades that at the time, were wider than any other skis I had. I was now an owner of tele-powder figgles. To make things worse, I skied them. More than once. Making telemark turns. With ski poles. I still have them. And I married the guy that made me ski them.

So therein lies the hypocrisy. I continue to think that snowblades are the dumbest thing on the planet, as are the people who ski them, and even more so the people who lose just one of them. When figgle skiers stop to ask me questions, I can barely look at them without a condescending smirk. One can say that I have been forgiven for my figgling, as I am now a ski industry professional performing my job on normal length skis. But, I have this disdain for those who snowblade, and I try and convince myself and others that this disdain is for their own good. I am basically a Kim Davis!!!!

Published by Veronika Hewitt

Writer. Cyclist. Cat Lady.

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