The Chronicles of “Meh”

It’s been a while since I’ve shared anything here, but the way I’ve been feeling this year could be best summarized by a grocery store encounter I had earlier this morning (hooray, I left the house today) with an old coworker from years ago. Like 99% of all grocery store encounters, the niceties were forced after doing the pretending-not-to-see-each-other-until-you-can’t-keep-looking-at-shredded-cheese-you-don’t-even-need-any-longer dance.  To the “how ya been” question, he replied that he’s trying to get in and out of there just as I am, and I replied “I’ve been” before we awkwardly parted ways and again continued to pretend we didn’t see each other as we were cruising the aisles on our respective missions.

I, in fact, have been. That was the most honest answer I could come up with (though I could have said anything, no one cares), feeling like I’m neither here nor there. This year (and the past few) have been really rough…for other people. My family back east has collectively been dealing with some health issues. I’ve had friends go through rough breakups, blow up their lives and move (more than once). I’ve had friends and colleagues who have lost people important to them. Some good things have also happened to my friends. Some of these same friends have landed dream jobs, got married, and started building new lives elsewhere.

I’ve been holding steady. Yes, it’s been hard having some of my closest friends move away, it’s been hard grappling with loss of my perceived “badass” identity as I’ve lost the motivation for any consistent training on the bike. It’s become increasingly harder for me to live so far away from my family, to a point that I’m questioning whether I should just move. It’s been frustrating to hope that I would meet someone by now and have a do-over on the whole partnership thing while existing in the landscape (dumpster fire) of modern dating, where it feels like everyone is jaded, unavailable in 20,000 different ways, or just downright creepy. I also have been doing a lot of inner work to enjoy and appreciate my singlehood, yet the thought that I may never meet someone, because I may or may not – that’s just fact, is still pretty painful.

At the same time, I am comfortable where I am, in my cozy home, in a beautiful place with unlimited outdoor access, and in a job where I am engaged and feel appreciated. I love my family, I have good friends here, and I have good friends far away. I’m dealing with a cold right now and frustrated because I was sick last month, but I am otherwise healthy and active. There is lots to appreciate even while feeling stuck between continuing to build my life here, or starting over somewhere closer to family; between wanting love, yet refusing to settle or give up my time and my independence.

While I have gratitude for my life as it is right now and the perspective that things could be so much worse (I don’t live in a war zone), neither gratitude nor perspective exist to invalidate our feelings. I am fine, but there is no doubt that I’ve been feeling pretty “meh” these days. Maybe I’m struggling to fully feel gratitude because I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I’m just struggling to see where my growth is. Maybe I’ve been seeing so many people move on in life, I’m feeling a bit left behind. Maybe I’ve just been more attuned to the passage of time, and how little of it we actually have, and I’m freaking out that I’m not creating enough meaning to my life, but I’m also kind of tired and love hanging out at home with my cat. I dunno, but I feel like I’m in some sort of holding pattern and in need of inspiration. I often feel so far away from the things I want and often, I can’t even identify what exactly I’m after. But if I can hang onto anything, it’s that I have gratitude and perspective to widen my lens, and allow for the sadness, or emptiness, and hurt, or whatever I’m feeling to exist at the same time and in the same space as all that is neat or awesome in this weird-ass short life.